Thursday, January 17, 2008

This helped.

by Veronica Shorffstall

After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,

And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't mean security,

And you begin to understand that kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises.

And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head held high and your eyes open,
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.

You learn to build your roads
On today because tomorrow's ground Is too uncertain for plans, and futures have
A way of falling down in midflight.

After a while you learn that even sunshine
Burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate
Your own soul, instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you can really endure,
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth

And you learn and learn ...
and you learn

With every goodbye you learn.


So today sucked. I thought I met a great guy, worried a ton that I would inevitably screw it up, ended getting a polite heave ho. What's with the excuse "I don't have the time or the energy that is needed in a new relationship." Is it a nice way of saying " I am not ready for a relationship"? Possibly. But today it seemed like a very layered and convoluted way of saying " You are not worth my time and energy." This whole stream of thought probably seems insane to most people, but right now it makes perfect sense to me. I really don't want to go through all the details, mainly because I am too tired. I will say however, dating sucks. And although this most recent guy was not serious, the way that I took his rejection is that I am not worth the work and the effort that it takes in a new relationship. This all has confirmed some of my deepest fears, that I am not good enough. Keep in mind, this is all untrue, but it is the way it feels to me. It is, again, a reminder that I need to learn to love me before I can allow someone else too. So, in light of it being January 17th, not that far into 2008, I am going to resolve to get to know Lauren better, meaning, strengthening my own identity and work on being happy with me. That is part of what this blog is about. I know that no one is actually reading this, and I think I actually prefer it that way, but it will hopefully become therapeutic for me. So, night night, sleep tight.