Thursday, January 17, 2008
So today sucked. I thought I met a great guy, worried a ton that I would inevitably screw it up, ended getting a polite heave ho. What's with the excuse "I don't have the time or the energy that is needed in a new relationship." Is it a nice way of saying " I am not ready for a relationship"? Possibly. But today it seemed like a very layered and convoluted way of saying " You are not worth my time and energy." This whole stream of thought probably seems insane to most people, but right now it makes perfect sense to me. I really don't want to go through all the details, mainly because I am too tired. I will say however, dating sucks. And although this most recent guy was not serious, the way that I took his rejection is that I am not worth the work and the effort that it takes in a new relationship. This all has confirmed some of my deepest fears, that I am not good enough. Keep in mind, this is all untrue, but it is the way it feels to me. It is, again, a reminder that I need to learn to love me before I can allow someone else too. So, in light of it being January 17th, not that far into 2008, I am going to resolve to get to know Lauren better, meaning, strengthening my own identity and work on being happy with me. That is part of what this blog is about. I know that no one is actually reading this, and I think I actually prefer it that way, but it will hopefully become therapeutic for me. So, night night, sleep tight.